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Recovering from breakup and anxiety.



Dear readers,
Do you felt like your life is getting into too much mess? You want to cry loudly…. Shout out for help … but you don’t want to feel embarrass.  Currently I am going through a lot of mental break down. I have started talking to myself too much... (May be this some kind of depression)… sometimes I laugh at myself for silly reasons …i am just feeling embarrass when I am typing this. I know people have bad habit of judging you.
Before getting into any conclusion … let me explain how this all started.  That is; actually a background story of my life till now. And also I don’t want anyone to judge me and blame anyone character …
So it’s here... I am Anne… I got job in year 2016…and I was struggling. To be honest I was not happy at that  time nor I am happy now…. You know not everyone gets their desired jobs.
Well I am going to complete two years of training period this year. But during these two years of my life I have faced many challenges.
During 2017 the first thing I notice was sudden change in behavior of person I was dating. Let call him –Mj. Long distance relationship are hard to maintain. Especially it’s when there is lack of communication.
I got busy in job and he got busy in his career.  11th Feb 2016 was the last date of proper conversation I had with him. And after that I don’t know what happen between us… I think something got lost between us.
After that day we did talk through chat messages and other things but …we couldn’t give much time to each other. When in Aug 2016 I decided to shift in a rented room near my office place.
Things started changing rapidly. I couldn’t balance things between my personal life and office life…
Although my family supported me but there were things I couldn’t tell to them … like how lonely I feel in personal life.  I had no one discuss things.
Anyhow I was managing my office life but my personal life was getting apart.  Mj and I was just moving on with are dating relationship…. I actually tried to ask him what he wants from this relationship.  I used all kind of tactics to know whether he is actually wanting me in his life or not….. The only answer I got was “I am struggling with my career.”
His plans were uncertain…. He never looked serious about things which were serious for me. 
On other side I was craving for physical and mental support. I was so much frustrated. I tried to tell him what actually I want…..I am not embarrassed when  I am saying  how stupid ..idiot i felt ....
I didn’t expect much from him ….  I just wanted to know where I stand in his life.
The only question; that was in my mind was – what I mean to him.
At age 25 where you expect some maturity from a woman …. I was acting like a girl of 20. Why can’t I talk about my physical need and emotional imbalance openly in front this world?
I have to face many people… I kept a mask smile on my face every time I talk to people around me. I am always modest, but sometimes they test my patience like anything. I just ignore all things which bring negative thoughts.

But last year in December 2017 I decided to make  my decision. Why can’t I enjoy my life like others single woman. I can’t hang on a person for my emotional needs.

I asked him- " will he marry me..". Yes, it was too early to ask someone, without properly dating that person. But I did this because I want know how much he is ready for me.
And I got it…he is still confuse.

I was shattered... whole December 2017 till January 2018 my days were sucking me…I was walking zombie. How much would I be able to hide?
Finally I broke down in front of one my new male colleague whose nature was quite familiar to mine. Let call him Ra. 
So, one day when  Ra and I was sitting together in bus … we had some discussion on how an unhealthy relationship breaks your soul one by one. Knowing about Ra, actually made me realize  my views about myself.
I started distinguish between things that I have lost in myself long ago i.e. the frankness to speak up of your mind.
I want to thank Ra for this.    And so I decided one thing now.   I should quit depending on a person for happiness.
Yes ,  i am woman who is passionate about love ... but who still want take things slowly...
yes , i am  woman who have desire both physical and emotional . i am screwed and i act bad ass sometimes.
  But I am bold, I am strong and I know I would survive without love.
Although; as I am still under healing process …. I still feel lonely at times…. I miss those whom I have loved... I miss those I am still loving … and I am not lying I still love them.


PS. this was what happening to me these days.  I know , I should not expect to much from a person ,but i liked him ... i am under anxiety...and i coping with it.... it hurts when people bitch   behind my back ...i was talkative  but this two years of hardship changed me into shit...
i hope one day  things turn normal.

Comments

  1. First of all,u write really well..
    anyways Don't feel that u r mental or bad or having feeling of rejection whatever b the case u know what exactly I wanna say..
    U r unique n i should say respect ur uniqueness..U have the most pure soul I have ever met any girl..Even in this materialistic world u always try to make happy others,bt what abt ur happiness..As far as I know happiness depends purely on ourself,if u search happiness outside then I don't think u will get it,search inside urself u will get it definitely,at every moment we can b happy it just depends on our perceptions..
    We don't have to screw our happiness,life,desire just bcz of other..Even we should thank them to make life more happening and the lessons which they thought us..
    These are just my views nothing personal..
    At last I would say love urself,ur uniqueness,don't depend much on other for any reason..U r free in this whole world,enjoy every moments of lyf which comes in ur way,life is just a journey where u met different types of people,,but never rely on them fully as it leads to expectation which may leads to sorrow..
    May b I am wrong at some points bt these are just the perceptions of mine to spend life in this beautiful world..

    --Ur stranger friend

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